I Believe This is Heaven to No One Else but Me...

It's been way too long....but then again it's always been way too long when it comes to me.

Finally home again after the longest semester ever in life in university and I'll be starting my internship soon this summer...so for once i feel like this summer has more to offer then just relaxation and fun in the sun (even though I have no opposition to that either). My whole body hurts....a week after finals and every part of me is still in pain. Actually, that could also be because of my broken bed and its doing horrible things to my back. Of course I'm too stubborn to even think to sleep in anyone else's bed but my own...but that's a story for another time

Anyway...this summer I'm trying out this whole new "body, mind, soul" thing you always read in magazines and i guess revisiting my Livejournal days covers the mind aspect of it all. I always find that i have so much to say or so much on my mind and can't seem to organize it....so this is a start...

Dazzling Mage....this one's for you. I promise entries with more substance soon.

-xoxo- Deenz

: : : I don't know whats right and what's real anymore. And I don't know how i'm mean to feel anymore. And when do you think it will all become clear? 'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear : : :
                                                                                                                         - - The Fear, Lily Allen - -

Wow, it has been 20 weeks since I've posted anything. Now i have to be honest, i must have thought a million times of something to post...some kind of comeback that will get me writing again instead of over-thinking a million and one thoughts in my head. But i have to admit I feel rusty and unoriginal and taking advantage of the lazy summer days. But now I'm leaving once again tomorrow to go back to the crazy world of UAE and I figured...this is as much incentive as I'll get.

So i have come to a conclusion. My great "comeback" will actually be in the words of my favorite poet, Robert Frost. Call me old fashioned and cliche but this is exactly how I feel. What I want to say and what I want to get at. Seems like a perfect start to me.

So i just read this amazing book recently called Tuesday's with Morrie. It's one of those books that gives you a little more perspective on things we tend to forget about or ignore. It gives you the spark to question and find the answers as well.

I could probably point out a thousand different theories and ideas from the book that I loved...that I'd want to pass on to everyone else. But theres one part in particular that really got to me and keeps me thinking bout it until now:

"I came to love the way Morrie lit up when I entered the room. He did this for many people, I know, but it was his special talent to make each visitor feel that the smile was unique.

'Ahhh, it's my buddy,' he would say when he saw me, in that foggy, high-pitched voice. And it didn't stop with the greeting. When Morrie was with you, he was really with you. He looked you straight in the eye, and he listened as if you were the only person in the world. How much better would peopel get along if their first encounter each day were like this--instead of a grumble from a waitress or a bus driver or a boss."

'I believe in being fully present,' Morrie said. 'That means you should be with the person you're with. When I'm talking to you now, Mitch, I try to keep focused only on what is going on between us...

'Part of the problem, Mitch is that everyone is in such a hurry,' Morrie said. 'People haven't found meaning in their lives, so they're running all the time looking for it. They think the next car, the next house, the next job. Then they find those things are empty, too, and they keep running...I would rather put my energies into people.'

He did this better than anyone I'd ever known. Those who sat with him saw his eyes go moist when they spoke about something horrible, or crinkle in delight when they told him a really bad joke. But really listening to someone--without trying to sell them something, pick them up, recruit them, or get some kind of status in return--how often do we get this anymore? I believe many visitors in the last few moths of Morrie's life were drawn not because of the attention they wanted to pay him but because of the attention he paid to them....This little old man listened the way they always wanted someone to listen." (p. 135-138)

Beautiful right? Everyone wants a little attention in their lives. I know I do. But at the same time, I want to be able to give cas much are and attention as I can as well. Maybe that is what's meant to make the biggest difference.

-xoxo- Deenz

: : : I learned the hard way that they all say things you want to hear. And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and your twisted words. Your help just hurts. You are not what I thought you were. Convinced me to please you; made me think that I need this too. I'm trying to let you hear me as I am : : :
                                                                                                                             - - Love Song, Sara Bareilles - -

Barely six months ago I remember sitting outside in my backyard while the whole house was sleeping talking to my closest friend in California. God I couldn't wait to get back to university... to be in a place where I could finally do the things I wanted to do. I remember crying to her on the phone... tired of the waiting and dying to bring my ambitions to life.

Finally the time came and now I look back at it all just as it has passed with a blink of an eye. The semester is over and now I'm back home absolutely ecstatic to be here while my father plays his classical music on the laptop beside me and Noor's nose stuck in a book as usual and Omar on his laptop at my other side. I couldn't be any happier. But that's not to say that the semester passed by without a worry in the world. Like everything else... it definitely had its ups and downs. And I ended up learning so much about myself.

Now this isn't meant to be one of those cliched entries where I rant on about the "oh so troublesome moments of life and the lessons we learn." But there are in fact experiences that make us discover things about ourselves that should not be left for granted.

I learned the extent of my determination and that I do in fact have every ability to make all my ambitions come to life. But not without the help of God and my family... my constant support and motivation.

I learned that despite the fact that one should treat others the way they want to be treated... others don't always act on the saying.

I learned that actions speak louder than words.

I learned that despite my inability to seek out the bad in people... some people do in fact have bad in them that should not be ignored.

I learned that you have to work hard to play hard.

I learned that the one quality that defines strength in a person is their ability to stand up for themselves.

I learned that there is no such thing as "too busy" when it comes to the people that mean most to us.

I learned how to open up.

I learned how to love... and be loved.

I learned that who we are relies heavily on our values and faith and that we should never lose either.

-xoxo- Deenz

: : : It's times like these you learn to live again, times like these you give and give again, times like these you learn to love again. It's times like these, time and time again : : :
                                                                                                  - - Times Like These, Foo Fighters - -

1.
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I am lost...I am helpless
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

2.
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend i don't see it
I fall in again
I cant believe I'm in the same place
But it isn't my fault
It still takes a long time to get out

3.
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it there
I still fall in. It's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where i am
Its my fault. i get out immediately

4.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it

5.
I walk down another street.

-xoxo- Deenz

: : : "Welcome to the real world," she said to me condescendingly. Take a seat, take your life, plot it out in black and white. Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings and drama queens. I'd like to think the best of me is still hiding up my sleeve : : :
                                                                                                               - - No Such Thing, John Mayer - -

Once upon a time there was an old lady who lived in a small village. She was very poor and had almost no possessions with the exception of her tattered house and a single chicken. But this chicken was no ordinary chicken. Every morning the chicken would lay a golden egg which the old lady could use to live her life like any other person of decent wealth. 

One day a simple man from the town passed by the old lady's home and watched as she collected the golden egg from her chicken's nest. As he watched in utter disbelief the man waited greedily for the old lady to disappear so that he may steal this fortunate chicken all for himself. The next day, when the old lady came to collect her golden egg, the chicken was gone.

You could only imagine how overjoyed the theif was at his newfound fortune. But the most unusual thing started to happen. Out of nowhere the theif began to grow feathers with each passing day he used to the chicken for his own benefit. He went to every doctor in the village but no one could cure this most unusual disease.

One doctor on the other hand had witnessed a similar happening before. So when the theif approached him, the doctor tricked him into confessing his crime. With this newfound information the doctor went to the old lady and asked her about this stolen chicken. Her only reply was, "I put my trust in God to deal with those who did me wrong." With this response, the doctor kept nagging the old lady, "But this theif has stolen everything you have...your only ability to lead a normal life! And this is all you say?" The old lady felt fury inside. Now outraged the old lady cursed the theif, wishing him harm and misfortune. The second these words left her mouth...the feathers of the theif began to disappear. Turns out that as long as the old lady had been willing and kept her faith in God, the theif would forever regret his actions. But the second she cursed in his name, then his actions would go by unnoticed and neglected.

Keep your hand in God's hand and he will never do you wrong. 

-xoxo- Deenz 

: : : I heard myself say things that I take back. If I could re-tale, and make these stories last. I see shadows of who we'll always be as I drive down these roads made of memories : : :
                                                                - - Shadows and Regrets, Yellowcard - -

Right before coming back to university, I watched a movie on the plane that questioned one's ability to gain respect. Do you have to earn respect or give it in order to gain it for yourself? At that point i would have agreed with earning it. But I guess views change. It seems no one has the time of day nor the patience to watch as you attempt to prove yourself worthy of respect. You only wear yourself out that way. It's all about the moment...the impression you are able to give in the tiny fraction of time you have to interact with another person.

We were delayed on that flight I was on. The entire plane was being booked into hotels and onto different connections. But in the middle of all the chaos and disappointment after hours of traveling, a fight broke out. A cranky passenger VS an apathetic officer. The officer refused to acknowledge our frustrating situation and the passenger didn't find it upon herself to deal with such an attitude. It ended up with some sort of assault and both women giving statements to the police while we waited on their behalf. It doesn't matter who was wrong or right but rather the fact that neither woman respected the other or the situation. And look what it led to. HA! And people wonder why there's so much discrimination in the world.

So i guess now I'm going to stick to the idea that in order to gain respect you must give it. But in order to KEEP respect, you must earn it.

-xoxo- Deenz

: : : Men are respected only as they respect : : :
                                                                  - - Ralph Waldo Emerson - - 

It's like standing at the starting line of a race...only I'm the only one running. I brace myself in the starting position. Fingers touch the burning ground, knees bent, eyes scanning the distance I have yet to cover. I glance over at the commencement manager...gun in hand...it seems he has no intention of signaling me to begin...it seems as if that ear wrenching sound of his gun shot will never ignite. 

Complete anticipation...

 

This is what I’ve been training for. This is what I’ve been pushing myself towards for longer than I can remember. A goal set so simple and clear in the obvious turns of the winding track before me.

My mind's racing. For a moment everything has stopped...the sound of the crowds drowned out in my one too many thoughts watching his finger as it touches the trigger...

Watching...waiting...wanting more than ever to break free of this imprisoning straddle.

I can already see myself running...unaware of my scorched fingers from the burning ground or the rawness of my suddenly unbuckled knees. Unaware of even the challenges that may lie ahead. 

But all that matters is starting...all I can think of is the moment where that gun shot allows every part of my body, every part of my completely focused mind, to come to life. 

-xoxo- Deenz

: : : And I don't know...I could crash and burn but maybe at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me. So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right. No comparing, Second guessing, no not this time : : : 
                                                                                          - - Sober, Kelly Clarkson - -

 

Its been forever since I last posted. Sigh...its right back to the lapses in motivation. But this time around...i'm not going for profound. I'm not going for sincere.

I'm not going for much of anything but a piece of mind...

You know that feeling when you're sleeping but you're completely aware of everything around you. It's possibly one of the most uncomfortable feelings in the world. You'd kill to just wake up...

Boo on this terrible feeling. I don't want it anymore...

No more jumbled up lyrics from a thousand and one different songs...
No more stories from too many unfinished books...
No more abandoned ideas of what could have been wonderful paintings...

I just want to wake up...

-xoxo- Deenz

: : : And I need to get strong, and if memory serves, I'm addicted to words and they're useless : : : 
                                                                          - - LG Fuad, Motion City Soundtrack - -

Courage: the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

 

I always thought the most courageous people were those men of war; the ones who held their nation’s flag up high. They were possibly the most targeted soldiers. After all, the enemy only craved the triumphant moment when that flag would fall to the ground so they may finally claim victory over their opponent. Yet, through all his bloody endeavor, the flag-burdened soldier would rather give his life than see his nation’s flag fall. What is this if not bravery? Loyalty? Respect for what he believed in?

 Note: I didn't choose this pic because of the flag...but rather the struggle it took to keep it flying high. 

A hero, they’d call him. And not only because of his allegiance…but that he stood by what he believed in…what he knew was right no matter the consequences. In that moment he was invincible in spite of the bullet that may have taken his arm or the shrapnel that could have blinded his sight. He was invincible because no matter his tragic downfall, he remained true to his heart and everything he held inside it. And that, I think, is the most wondrous salvation.

 

What I’d give to be as courageous as that. 

-xoxo- Deenz

: : : And all at once the crowd begins to sing. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same : : : 
                                                                                                                            - - All At Once, The Fray - -

I remember when I was a kid I had always wanted to be a ballet dancer. They were always so glamorous with their pleays and their twirls and complete elegance. I didn’t think anyone could be anymore beautiful. That is until now…

What kind of crazy ambition was this? Right now I can’t help but feel like I’m constantly spinning around myself…as if all eyes are on me as I’m caught in the middle of a never ending ballerina’s twirl. 

-xoxo- Deenz

: : : Now how do we keep on going now when optimist voices make no sound? Now I see myself stopping still in a dream...watching my river of goals turn to streams : : :
                                                                                                                    - - Salinity, Dina Gharbo - -

Going through terrible jet-lag I found myself looking through my hundreds of books for something to keep my company through the night. I came across the Twits...that really old Roald Dahl children's book. I've never actually read it before so i figured why not...

While I was reading I came across this passage so I decided to post it...as a tribute to all of those who tend to find themselves cornered by self consciousness and utter pessimism:

The Wonderful World of Disney...

It never gets old...the smell of hot dogs and popcorn in the air, the characters marching around in every corner...being raided by little children dying for autographs. the little girls dressed in princess dresses and pretty make up, families eager to feel the thrill of the rides...too excited to care about the long lines. Its all so worth it...no matter how old i get Disney always managed to make me smile no matter the thoughts or worries in my head. Cliche? Not at all...more like pure genius. Coming here taking pictures with the characters and posing stupid poses in the middle of Chip and Dale never made me happier...never made me feel more wrapped around in some real life magic of some fantasy world we all tend to forget really exists. I've always been the optimisitic type and it felt amazing knowing that all those families and little kids making up the endless crowds on the streets of Disney really believed that the world was a wonderful place. YES! It has been proved once again ^_^!

I cant get the thought of the fireworks out of my head. The whole night sky lighting up in a thousand and one different colors. the rush of excitement in the middle of the crowds and the litteral "Oohs!" and "Ahhs!" rising up in unison. There were probably over one thousand people looking up into the sky...one thousand cameras flashing simultaneously...one thousand of the realest, truest and happiest smiles...

Sometimes letting the whole idea of disney magic rub off on you isn't so bad.

-xoxo- Deenz

: : : I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle! : : :
                                                                                                                             - - Alice in Wonderland - -

It's been 12 years since we use to play in that park behind our houses. Our brothers use to push us around that tire swing until we'd feel sick. And even then they wouldn't stop no matter how loud we yelled or hysterically we laughed.

It's been 10 years since we were in 3rd grade together. We had been trying to be put in the same class since KG and it never worked out that way. But there we were with the coolest teacher, cheating off eachothers multiplication papers because the 12s times table was just too hard to remember.

It's been 8 years since you finally convinced me to do a cannon ball off the high dive even though I was terrified of heights. You climbed up all the way with me even though the lifeguards yelled at us. After that first jump, it was just too addicting to stop.

It's been 6 years since you were the first to come to my going away party and insisted i opened your present right then and there. It was a pink ballerina journal. Inside you had signed it "To My Best Friend." You told me to write everything in it when I moved so it would be as if I was still telling you everything, like we always had.

It's been 4 years since you came to visit me after I moved away and I took you around in my golf cart. It felt like we were never apart, telling each other typical teenage girl stories and promising to email and keep each other updated.

It's been 1 year since I heard of the crash...Since I realized there would be no more laughs or stories or adventures. Since I realized I would never see you again...



-xoxo- Deenz

: : : The brain appears to possess a special area which we might call poetic memory and which records everything that charms or touches us, that makes our lives beautiful : : :
                                                                      - - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera (p. 208) - -

Sigh.

Out of no where and in my complete lack of activity I'm suddenly craving diving into a pool and swimming laps. Maybe its because of a recent conversation I was having with someone about those crazy swimming days. I'm not sure. But I miss it like crazy...

I'm craving that feeling of complete control...contorl in every single perfect stroke...in every sharp turn. Fighting that urge to stop and take a breath because it just feels too good to give up. I want that feeling again of being beyond that point where i can feel the pain in ever muscle and still something inside me keeps me going until i can swim more than 50 laps continuous with perfect form and perfect rhythm. And no matter the freezing water around me...all I feel is the heat surrounding my unstopable body.

Extreme? Not at all. I read in one of my books this thing about limitations once. Sometimes we set all these limitations for ourselves and we rarely realize that it is in our every power to break them too. Thats the thing about swimming...its the one time I finally feel like nothing can possibly holding be back.

-xoxo- Deenz

 

: : : Drawn towards the edge, do i assume i could fly? Don't push too hard. Limitation Scars : : :

                                                                            - - Beauty on the Fire, Natalie Imbruglia - -

The Waiting Place
                ...for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go
or the bus to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyong is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waitng, perhaps, for their Uncle Jack
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

- - Dr. Seuss's greatest...Oh! The Places You'll Go. For all the times when all you have is patience...and you can't possibly do anything else but wait...

-xoxo- Deenz

: : : Listen carefully to the sound of your loneliness like a heartbeat, drives you mad, in the stillness of remembering what you had, and what you lost and what you had : : :
                                                                                                  - - Dreams, The Corrs - -

So much has happened since I’ve graduated. Oh no don’t worry I wont go on listing and explaining everything into complete detail. But I can't avoid acknowledging it either.

Everything came as such a rush and I have to admit it left me completely worn out (aside from the hospitalization that is). I remember when I had just gotten home, it was barely three days with my mom and she had already seen a complete change in me. Of course being the mother she is (completely a good thing I promise), she wasn't prepared to watch me get sucked into a change she didn't like. It hurt...the things she said. She said that at one point I had been a flower...constantly blooming and all the other analogies you can think of that describes the most beautiful of things. But when I came back from university I was nothing like that anymore...that I had become "wilted." I must have cried for days just replaying that comment over and over in my head. Not because of the fact it was a terrible comment...but more so because I knew it was true.

As if that could be the end of the scrutiny, I had finally seen my brother again for the first time in 5 months and of course he came back bearing gifts. One of my gifts was a beautiful handmade journal, with hand made papers. Completely authentic; the exact kind of thing I’m in love with. On the very first page he wrote "To my baby sister. Along your path never forget who you are, because in the end that's all that matters."

Was I that transparent? Would it even be a complete exaggeration to describe myself as broken?

It has been almost two months since these realizations hit me like a big slap on the face...Some kind of wake up call insisting that I was better than this...that I COULD be better than this. And the worst part was that I had completely forgotten what it was like to simply be...me. It's not 'til just recently that I finally feel for the first time since I’ve graduated that I’m starting to become that better person again.

It feels sooo good to write again...to draw like I used to...to read like there are never going to be enough books in the world...to be completely intertwined in the desire for so much more.

Haha it feels like I’ve given a complete new meaning to the phrase "finding yourself." And I honestly don’t care how exaggerated it sounds...but it just feels SO good to finally feel like I'm Me.  

-xoxo- Deenz

: : : Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window, let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find. Reaching for something in the distance, so close you could almost taste it, release your inhibitions : : :
                                                                                                 - - Unwritten, Natasha Bedingfield - -

Theres one thing about books that gets me sooo addicted.

Its that feeling that with the simple turn of a page it's perfectly ok to just leave your own reality behind...no matter how glamorous or disappointing. Its that feeling that in the little time you spend wrapped in the lines and stories of someone else's words you can stop worrying, stop hoping, stop thinking about anything else other than "what happens next."

Besides...the best thing about books is that they always have an end. I guess sometimes you just get tired of living in a never ending plot.

Despite the fact that i may love books insanely, i have never been able to bring myself to read the same book twice. Except one...Sylvia Plath's very own, The Bell Jar. I must have read it three or four times and i have no idea what it is that keeps me coming back to it. But there is this one part that gets me every time. One part that reminds me that sometimes books play tricks on you...that instead of putting your reality on hold, they just plunge you back into it and suddenly your filled with more worries, more hopes, more thoughts than ever before...

“I saw myself sitting at the foot of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of these figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

I never really liked figs anyway...

-xoxo- Deenz

: : : I tear my heart open. I sew myself shut. My weakness is that I care too much. And my scars remind me that the past is real. I tear my heart open just to feel : : :     
                                                                                                               - - Scars, Papa Roach - -

He's worried.

I can see it...that sad look in his eyes, the tension in his hands that never seem to stop twitching. And no matter how I may try to smile and laugh and show him everything'll be ok he still looks at me like i'll break at any moment.

i guess i never acknowledged it before...i mean...who wouldn't worry at a time like this? but today he gave me the biggest hug...one i've never felt before. Just total fear...or sadness? i'm not sure.

Guess i never REALLY realized how much of a daddy's girl i am.

Its not that much better on her end...

She's just sooo strong ALL the time. How could i miss the tears behind closed doors. Guess its true what they say....your pain only hurts them a thousand times more.

She says i'm strong like her....stronger than her. But i dont know how thats possible. The whole universe could blow over and she'd still be standing. I doubt I could even come close.

At this point patience is wearing thin...i just want it to go away. I just want to see them smile again.

-xoxo- Deenz

: : : All the times that i've cried. All that's wasted, it's all inside. And I lie here in bed...all alone...I can't mend. But I feel tomorrow will be okay : : :
                                                                                                                   - - Staind, Outside - -